Sunday, September 27, 2015
I've never felt qualified to give advice of any sort on anything unrelated to one direction. I might not have a good sense of judgement, I might actually believe that tupac is alive (don't fight me on this) and maybe I take my advice from fortune cookies. So yeah, why should you listen to me?
because I am an expert in this profession.
the profession of embarrassing myself on the internet. take a look.
do we have an understanding? that I am an embarrassment to my generation? okay moving on.
I've been in my fair share of twitter wars and while exhilarating, and fulfilling as they can be...
i've grown tired. I have decided to share my knowledge and pass down the crown to one of you innocent readers. I will expose (from experience) what to say, what NOT to say, and by the end of my masterclass YOU will be transformed into a witty, sass monster, ready to drag anyone who enters your mentions unwelcomed.
Turn your trigger fingers into twitter fingers with these easy steps!
let's get started!
IS IT ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY?
I have put together a helpful list so you can decide for yourself when you should engage an f boi, or when its best to just keep scrolling.
WHEN YOU SHOULD NOT GET YOURSELF INVOLVED:
WHEN YOU SHOULD GET YOURSELF INVOLVED:
- topics regarding zayn malik leaving one direction - just trust me on this.
(HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE A FANGIRL SCORNED)
STEP 2: SUBTWEETS
with that being said, if someone subtweets you, it's best to put on your big girl panties and throw down, versus waiting 7-14 business days to reply. (looking at you meek)
but it's also best to MAKE SURE the subtweet is actually about you.
and if you are the "subtweeter" then JUST @ THEM ALREADY
SO YOU STARTED A TWITTER FIGHT
you little risky thing, you! congrats! welcome. there's drinks in that mini fridge over there.
STEP 3: OPENING STATEMENTS
You want to make sure your first tweet in which you are doing the "calling out" is your strongest tweet of the night. this tweet should generate at least 14 retweets, and roughly 25 favorites within the first 4 1/2 minutes of publish. this is your "shots fired" tweet. you only get ONE SHOT baby, make it count.
here are some of the hall of famers:
Amanda Bynes. an American treasure.
poor drake. drizzy we love you. you're just an easy target. sorry beb.
STEP 4: KNOW YOUR OPPONENT
while you're patiently awaiting the reply, take this time to do some proper research and gather yourself. I always like to do a quick background check, maybe dive into their old facebook archives to retrieve some unflattering pictures, find out their life stories, date of birth, social security number, simple stuff like that.
THINK BEFORE YOU TWEET
woah! your competitor isn't holding back! SOS! What do we do? the more important question is what DON'T we do?
STEP 5: THINGS TO AVOID WHEN THE ROAST STARTS HEATING UP
+ DON'T correct their grammar. everyone will hate you. automatic loss. warm up the bus. season ending. benched forever.
+DON'T get personal. we as innocent spectators do not need to know how "your family has always been there for her so how dare she!!"
+DON'T get your boyfriend/girlfriend/family involved. (mom, seriously. i can fight my own battles!!!)
+ and most importantly, DON'T CALL NAMES!
unless it's "chlamydia boy"
SO YOU'RE LOSING A TWITTER FIGHT
when the squad doesn't back you up like you expected and you're just like
STEP 6: THE LAST RESORT
at this point, your pride is hurting, the ground beneath you is shaking and youre debating deleting your twitter all together and becoming a nun. but I did not fail you, sweet, sweet child. go back to chapter 2: step 4.
UNLEASH THE FACEBOOK PICTURES.
this is really your last option. and because I'm practically america's sweetheart at this point, I might as well take it a step further and give you some help ifyou and I ever get into some twitter drama.
feel free to use this against me. I gave you permission.
SO THE FACEBOOK PICTURE THING WORKED AND YOU ACTUALLY WON THE TWITTER FIGHT
So, you almost lost a twitter fight! Phew! That was scary!
however our work here is not over. how do we clean up the mess? while some would, apologize:
some might, unfollow everyone in the process:
Whatever your method of redemption is, there is one last and final rule.
DO NOT DELETE YOUR TWEETS.
even if you were SLAIN with no dignity left. those who leave up their tweets after a bloodbath for the rest of the world to enjoy, they are the backbone of our nation.
and with that, I will let you go. I have done my best to prepare you and i wish you all the best. The real world is a tough place. be strong, and drag with honor.
SEE YOU NEXT WEEK!!!