HOW TO: Be A White Girl

Thursday, September 25, 2014

How to: Be a White Girl

Here in the valley, labels are harsh.

you go to one photoshoot up the canyon and youre labeled a "hipster."
you go to ONE linkin park concert, and everyone thinks youre "emo" or whatever.
and if you let even one swear word slip, then you might as well be satan himself.

and yet the worst one of all, is the people who ASSUME that if you get one double choclaty chip frappe at starbucks, then youre automatically a "basic white girl."

Excuse me?

Do you really think its that easy to achieve "basic white girl" status??

is our reputation really measured by the price of a starbucks drink?

this has to end.

I'm calling upon all basic white girls to help me in the fight to #stoptheimposters
Its our time of year! Its the salted caramel cake pop - leggings and doc martens - pumpkin carving - beanie wearing time of year and I refuse to be overshadowed by girls who think they can "sit with us" - metaphorically - JUST because they took a snapchat with their pumpkin spice frap. Nope. Not anymore.

Ground rules must be set. Its time to set the record straight.

Q: What is a white girl?
A: A dangerous species of females, all ages, generally those with ombre hair, lana del rey phone cases, and fake glasses ALL with the same goal: to "Out - Trend" each other, and to establish over the internet once and for all that ALL BOYS ARE JERKS!

or to dominate the world, im not really sure yet

Q: How do I know if im a white girl?
A: Contrary to popular belief, to be a "white girl" you dont actually have to be a white girl.
We aren't racially exclusive. But there are rules, of course.



- On Wednesdays we wear pink, blah blah blah

- You must own at least 7 different pairs of leggings (aside from your victorias secret yoga pants)

- If you haven't already tweeted about how Fall is your favorite season, do so immediately.

-You must master the art of the "messy bun" 

         *Remember there is a difference between "I just woke up" and "I woke up like this, flawless"

          (Always think. What would Beyonce do in this situation?)

-Other Items of clothing to stock up on:

           + Beanies

           + Frumpy Sweaters

           + An abundance of flannel shirts

           + Doc Martens

-You must own at least an iphone 5. We don't accept anyone with lower models, and android users, please exit out of this page immediately.


We worship the 3 B's.

- Blake Lively

- Beyonce

- Bruce Jenner


If you are interested in this particular lifestyle, fill out the following application:




1. Circle the series that you have completed:

One Tree Hill       Gossip Girl     Orange Is The New Black

New Girl       Keeping Up With the Kardashians      Greys Anatomy


2. What is your favorite season?

     a. Fall

     b. Autumn


3. What are you going to be for Halloween?

    a. A cat

    b. Blair Waldorf

    c. Elsa


4. Nash Grier, Cody Simpson, Justin Bieber.

assassinate one.


5. How many "insta meet ups" have you attended this year?


6. My personality is most like

    a. Gretchen

    b. Karen

    c. Regina

    d. Cady

7. Youre in a room with Channing Tatum, Harry Styles and Zac Efron. Give a detailed explanation with thesis statement and closing argument, on who you would kiss first.



8. What does being a "basic white girl" mean to you?

9. Are you prepared for endless ridicule and stereotyping?

10. Are you prepared to post a selfie every sunday without fail?

11. Do you promise to pre order every Lorde album?

12. Do you promise to ALWAYS screenshot embarrassing/scandalous tweets and send them immediately to group message of choice?

13. Do you promise to ALWAYS revine Kylie Jenner?

If you answered yes to all of these questions, then it sounds like you are ready and committed to being a basic white girl. Congratulations

Send in your completed application with your "highest liked" 4x6 selfie, attached)