last night, I was on the phone with someone and he asked me how my day was and I replied
"Ahhh, I feel like I just wasted a day. I had so much to do and I didn't really do anything."
And as soon as the words left my mouth, I hated it. I hate that I admitted to wasting a day! I actually thought about it a lot, and it wasn't until I was laying in bed that night, you know, the normal nightly routine where you close your eyes, think of every possible unlikely incredible fantasy you can create, like making out with justin bieber, or going grocery shopping with meryl streep. And you know, usually around this time, just riiiight before you drift off into nothingness, you start to think and analyze about really random things that cause you stress like, climate change, or 'clueless' being taken off netflix, or all the little african babies who need love and attention, or the fact that you just wasted an entire day of your life that you will never get back.
I had my mind over analyzing that last one for awhile last night. It was just bugging me so bad, because I feel like i've had a lot of those days lately.
I pride myself in having a fun life. Fun, is a huge priority to me, if not, the main one. But in between those good days you see on instagram, I have days like yesterday, where I eat peanut butter out of a jar, and read conspiracy theories about Tupac for three hours. I can come to terms with that much. I know that not every single day is going to be amazing, and fun, and memorable. But I wanted to get to the bottom of it. What decides if a day is wasted or not? Is it being on a tropical island vs taking 3 bubble baths at home? Is it going to a party with your friends instead of leaving your house once to go to taco amigo? I wanted to figure it out.
So I went back and tried to remember everything that happened during my day. I didn't try to focus on the good or the bad, I just tried to play back my day in my head as it happened.
- I woke up, in a panic, realizing I was leaving the country in 5 days and hadn't booked any hotels. So I sat and researched, and watched endless youtube travel guides.
- I tried to edit some wedding videos, but my computer storage was giving me trouble, which of course only stressed me out even more.
- I went to go get some food in my pantry and realized that I didn't have any food, or any money to buy food, so I took a jar of peanut butter, and a spoon, and that was my source of energy for the day.
- I got in a fight with my mom. My mom and I were best friends in another life I'm sure of it. We're so much alike. I think it's why we're so close, and I think it's why we fight too. It was a normal dramatic mother daughter argument, except I said some hurtful things that I immediately regretted. And I thought about it all day. I think growing up, you see your parents as these super humans, who know how to do everything, can fix any problem, and can make anything better. It's a weird, and sad realization when you finally understand that your parents are just people, who are capable of being insecure, or sad, or getting their feelings hurt. I always have to remind myself of this, and I was upset with myself for maybe being the cause of hurt feelings.
-Tristen eventually came over and helped with the Bali planning. We talked, in and out of british accents, about what we should do, where we should go, and how tristen is going to survive a month without making out with any girls.
- I went and met Kate, my roommate for dinner, and was so excited to see her. I had a shoot to go to afterwards, and I really wanted her to come with me cause I wanted company, but I didn't want to ask her because who wants to go watch someone film for two hours?? But I was getting ready to leave she said "Can I come??" and i knew right then and there she was a real one.
- we went up the canyon and filmed a 'love story' video for two of my good friends, and the weather was perfect, the trees were green and their love for each other was so next level, it brought kate and I to tears. (we're both crybabies, but still)
- oh yeah and the sunset was amazing.
- I went home, like home-home, which was nice because I've been moved out for awhile and I hardly see my family anymore. Mary, my 9 year old sister has been so excited to see me lately, any time I come over, and I LOVE IT. She's so dope. Her and her friends are doing a "mini cheer camp" for the girls in the neighborhood and she was showing me the posters she was going to put up around town. I used to do that sort of thing when I was her age, and I love seeing her be so much like I was, but way cooler. She's so cool.
- My dad and I went and talked in the garage for about an hour, and if you know me, you know how much I love my dad. He's the greatest guy I know. He's so happy, all. the. time. it's so hard not to be happy around him, which is why I think people like him so much. We talked about my business, and things I was struggling with, and he does such a good job with giving me criticism and advice, but in a motivating way and I really needed that last night. Talking to him makes me feel like I can accomplish anything I want to do. He thinks I should write a book, and really believes I can do it. He just thinks that the world is mine to take, and it's the greatest feeling in the world to have someone who believes in you that much.
- On my way home I was on the phone with a friend, and he asked me about my day. I immediately thought about my long to do list, that I didn't make a dent in. "I feel like I just wasted a day. I had so much to do and I didn't really do anything" the day was just about over. Up until that point it was truly an unmemorable day, and that's when the quote popped into my head "In 20 years will you remember today?" And I thought, surely in 20 years I won't remember Wednesday July 6th, 2017. It was a slow, mundane, boring day.
But it wasn't until I replayed my entire day in my head, start to finish, and I got to the part about my dad, and our conversation, that my entire perspective changed.
He's always talking about what we'll remember about him, someday when he's gone. He's always saying "what am I teaching you, that you'll remember someday?" "What will you take from this?" And I realized, that it's those late night talks in the garage. That's what I'm going to remember.
And all at once, the day had meaning. I thought about if something ever happened to my dad, that's what I would miss about him. For the rest of my life I would think back on days like today, and I felt lucky. I actually felt lucky that I had just lived it.
I suddenly felt the need, it was a need to remember this day. I wanted to remember it all. Being so broke all I could afford to eat was peanut butter out of a jar. I wanted to remember tristen and I actually booking an air bnb called "Villa Chicken Nugget." I wanted to remember the guilt I felt for getting into a fight with my mom, so I would never get to that point again. I wanted to remember singing driving down the canyon as the sky turned pink, singing Amy Winehouse songs with Kate, and forgetting everything for while. I wanted to remember Mary, being so little and so happy to see me.
It was the need to hold on, and remember even the smallest of details, of an ordinary day.
A day that was earlier deemed "a waste" suddenly meant everything to me, and all I could think of how cool would it be if we did that every day? went back and focused on the details, and wrote them down, made it memorable. It was an ordinary day, but it's a collection of those ordinary days, that essentially make up our lives, and I think that is truly noteworthy.
So, to answer the question,
In 20 years I will remember today.