Indy goes west

I always loved going to LA. Ever since I was a kid who practiced her “Hi my name’s Indy and you’re watching Disney Channel” in the mirror every night before bed. I grew up idolizing Mary Kate and Ashley and performing self taught monologues to my stuffed animal audience. Hollywood was my first WORD.

I finally convinced my parents to take me there on one of our designated “beach days” during our Disneyland trip. I was absolutely giddy and wide eyed the entire drive up. Never mind the graffiti, or homeless men trying to get in our cars or the fact that there was not a single Jonas Brother in sight. I was on the walk of fame! Posing with Michael Jacksons star!  IT WAS MAGIC BABY!

In the years to come, I still loved LA. There was always that innocent excited feeling I got every time I drove into the city. And I remember as I got older, thinking I was supposed to hate it. In the same way that all New York snobs hate Times Square (which I also love lol) I was supposed to hate LA. You never met a hipster from Southern California who didn’t gag at the mention of it.  And I probably pretended to hate it too. But deep down I just couldn’t play. I couldn’t lie to myself. My pop culture loving heart just ached to be there.

I remember on one specific time after I had graduated high school, I was ubering into town from LAX and I had a really life changing conversation. I had this fantastic Uber driver who was this 69 year old British man named Peter. His quick wit and hilarious one liners were enough for me to pull out my phone and start writing down everything he was saying. To this day I refer back to the page in my journal titled “Wise words from Peter the Uber driver.”  (One day I’ll write a book of all the life advice I’ve gathered from various rides around the world.)

I asked him why he came to America and this is what he told me,

“I came to America to fall in love. And I did. Not with a person mind you, but a place. Los Angeles. 40 years ago it was so… romantic even. So untouched. It’s the greatest city in the world.”

And the way he said it, completely enchanted me. I was sold.

I’ve lived in Utah my entire life and it’s home for me. The mountains welcome me with arms wide open, and part of me never thought I would leave. I loved my life here. I loved my friends, and my family and the close knit community. But for the last couple of years, even though I had been traveling the world and accomplishing so many “dreams”… there was a part of me that refused to acknowledge another dream of mine.

Moving.

Moving out of state to California always seemed like a good idea, but the idea itself also terrified me. I’m not an actress or a model and I don’t even have a podcast. HOW would I ever fit in?!! In Utah I was comfortable. I was established. I ran my own show. I was the big fish in a little, conservative, “no bikinis allowed” pond. I convinced myself that life as the big fish was better than life could ever be as the little one.

The rest of the ride into the city, Peter told me that he had dreams of having his own youtube channel. He told me he felt silly telling me this, as he hadn’t told anyone before. But he wanted to start an online series from the point of view of an Uber driver in Los Angeles, interviewing all of the interesting people he met. It made my heart swell! This is what I loved about this city. Everyone here is making things happen. Even at age 65, my boy Peter had a dream. He had a reason. Everyone in Los Angeles has their reason.

And thats exactly what was stopping me.

I didn’t have my “reason.”

I didn’t have a goal in mind. I wasn’t set out on this journey to “become” someone. (Except I’ll cant act like I’m not going to camp outside of Nobu to get a glimpse of a Kardashian) Moving to LA really had nothing to do with fame or success or anything of that sort. (My priorities had drastically changed since my “you’re watching Disney channel days.)

The truth is, just like Peter… I had simply fallen in love.

But I didn’t know if that was a good enough reason.

The thought really would haunt me. Because even though I was living a life I was extremely proud of, I was always worried deep down that I would be disappointed in myself if I never really tried. I wouldn’t even entertain the thought.  And I don’t even know why. That’s not my personality at all. But the only way I could explain it is that whenever the thought would come to my mind, I would immediately justify why staying in Utah for the rest of my life was a perfectly fine scenario. And I half believed myself too.

And then… (sigh)… ‘La La Land’ came out.

it was as if Damien Chazelle directed that movie JUST to light a fire inside of me. shout out to you baby. 

The night after watching that movie for the first time, I could no longer keep the thought in the back of my mind. It was right at the forefront, screaming to be acknowledged.

In fact, here is an actual journal entry I just dug up from December of 2016:

”I just saw La La Land with Jessie. The whole movie had me mesmerized. I was so aware of how beautiful the film was, but I was even more aware that it was more than just a film. “Here’s to the ones who dream, foolish as they may seem”

It occurred to me that the rest of the world does view dreamers as foolish. And I’ve never really seen it that way. I’ve never felt foolish for wanting to grow up to be a movie star at age six. Or a fashion designer when I was fourteen. Or a band stylist at age sixteen. Or a vogue journalist at age nineteen. I’ve never felt foolish. I might be naive, and I’m quite sure I’m getting ahead of myself, but I feel like I have the world in my hands and it wasn’t until seeing that movie that I realized something.

I was driving home alone on state street at one in the morning (my favorite) and I was listening to ‘Come What May’ from Moulin Rouge. It is such a powerful song and even more powerful when you’re driving alone in the middle of the night, emotionally vulnerable after having watched Ryan Gosling tap dance for two hours. I even missed the turn to my house because I was so caught up in the moment. The volume was all the way up, and I was screaming “IIIIII WILL LOVE YOUUUUU UNTIL MY DYING DAYYYYY!!!” And I even had tears running down my cheeks. It was so pure. That song had nothing to do with La La Land, but it was the song that was playing when I finally understood. I finally understood what that line from the song meant.

“Here’s to the ones who dream, foolish as they may seem”

It’s not the dreamers that are foolish. It is the dreamers who don’t do anything about their dreams. They are the foolish ones. And as I pulled up in my driveway, I realized that I was the foolish one.

And that was the night I decided to move to LA.”

And as of tonight, two years later, almost to the exact day… I finally did.

Dream big, little fishes.

Love,

The newest tiniest babiest fish in the biggest baddest pond

 

nobody really cares: a guide to social media & life in general

Do you remember the moment you realized the world didn’t revolve around you?

It’s usually at a pretty young age. (OKAY FINE I JUST BARELY REALIZED IT OKAY FINE)

it’s alright to admit that humans are selfish creatures. It’s in our nature.

When you’re born, there’s no orientation into life. Theres not a sit-down meeting, where you are explained what is about to happen. There’s no instructions on “being a human.” And even if there were, by the time you were at an age to understand such an introduction, you would have already lived for several years.

Therefore, you grow up in your own little world. Naturally, and subconsciously… selfish. 

Almost like the Truman Show. You’re the main character and everyone else is just ‘participating’ in your life.

And then one day it hits you. Does everyone think this way? 

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the content your favorite instagram model won't provide

So let’s talk about her then. My nose. The star of the show.

There are several reasons why I am talking about this publicly, and we’ll get to all of those reasons. But the main one, is just that I don’t think it’s anything to be embarrassed about! Plastic surgery has such a bad reputation. But I think we should own it, in the same way that we do when we show up to school, licking our teeth and flashing our pearly whites in the direction of our hot student teacher after getting our braces off in 8th grade.

I had always been a confident kid. Maybe a little too confident, actually, which is why I think Mother Nature decided to send a softball flying through the air at full speed, hitting me directly on the bridge of my nose at age 14. To take me down a couple notches. To bring me back down to earth. - literally.

In High School, I was a cheerleader, and this really needs no further explanation. I can confidently say I had a solid 3 more nose breaks during those years. In other words, I’ll be sending an invoice to all of my flyers that I based throughout high school. Y’ALL ARE SIGNING THIS CHECK NOT ME!!!!!

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A LIFE TO BE PROUD OF

I’m sitting in an airport, somewhere in the middle east, all alone, waiting to board a flight to India. 

That’s pretty cool right??

I thought about the younger version of myself, and what she’d think of it. I came to the conclusion that she’d be thrilled, no doubt, but surprised?? Hardly. 

You see, the little girl version of me had BIG plans.

Since the day I mumbled my first words, “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I knew I was destined for stardom. Fame was all I wanted.

In seventh grade I met with a school counselor, and together we filled out a paper discussing my goals, and future career paths. She asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, and I told her point blank, 

“I want to be famous.”


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THE SECRET TO LOVING YOUR BODY

Before I begin, let's get on the same page.

this is not a 'how to'.

there are a number of subjects I feel qualified enough to give tutorials, or "how to" articles on.

"How to use your infinite One Direction knowledge to score you your dream job" - A true passion of mine I wish to share with the world someday.

"How to become best friends with Paris Hilton" - another title I've dabbled with.

And "How to reach the smallest degree of internet fame to the point of being consistently talked negatively about in local group messages around your hometown" - a class I've dreamt of teaching for years. 

But "How to love your body" is a topic not included in my repertoire of step-by-step guides.

because... I'm simply no expert.

All I can do is share my thoughts and experiences, and maybe inspire you to stop sending Kendall Jenner hate mail for her god given flawless bone structure.

We good? Let's go.

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Things I learned in 2017

1. You have to teach your heart to accept what it cannot change

This was the year I finally let go of my first love. I had spent the last four years loving him, and hating him. Things weren't good and they hadn't been good for a long time, but I held on. Over the years, we had changed so much. We loved each other, but that was about the only thing we had in common. And I believed with all my heart that 'love' was enough. It didn't matter how many times we fought, or how many times I drove away from his house crying.  We loved each other, and for that reason alone, I still. held. on. 

I remember reading the quote "Teach your heart to accept what cannot be changed"

And it hit me like a train. I spent so much time wishing things were the way they were when we were 16 and stupid in love. I wanted him to fight for me. I wanted him to love me. I wanted him to change. 

And once I realized that I could not change him, I could not make him fight for me, I could not make him love me...

I let go. 

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FALL PLAYLIST 2017

Fall is my time of year.  It's where I shine.  My powers get stronger, in a sense. The smells, the sounds, our world around us truly changes.  And with the colder weather brings more layers, seasonal depression, and a good old fashioned PSL from starbucks.

If you know anything about me, it's that I hate being cold. But I wouldn't trade this weather for ANYTHING! I've been bundled up all week, which is not only a blessing to me, but to anyone who frequently discuss the "scandalous" bikini pictures I post on Instagram, and my imminent "downward spiral."   WELL GUYS, THE BELLY BUTTON IS PUT AWAY, I WENT TO CHURCH TODAY,  AND I DONATED TO HURRICANE RELIEF.  Can we still be friends Aunt Helen :(

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why high school is kind of actually, definitely, absolutely the worst

things I was in high school:

1. late. as in, every single day late. as in, the office ladies and I were on first name basis, and they gave me balloons and flowers on my last day of attendance school. Miss u Barb. 

2. ugly. haha, okaaaaaayyyyyy maybe that's a strong word. But I look at pictures from those days and think "WOW, why didn't anyone tell me to get ready in the mornings?" And then I remembered. It's cause I was always late.

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5 THINGS

 have a lot of new faces to my little corner on the internet, and my faaaavorite thing about blogging and Instagram, and all that is getting to know people. Not your favorite color, not your favorite Jonas Brother, but the good stuff. The stuff you keep off your tinder profile. So, I'm gonna start. Every month, or just whenever I feel like it, I'll just feed you guys 5 random facts about me. Sometimes they'll be short statements, like "I love dinosaurs." and that will be that. And sometimes, we'll go into stories, and experiences and embarrassing photos of Facebook's past. And each time I want you to comment 5 random facts about yourself. Deal??? K let's do this.

1. I love rap music. Like way more than a skinny white girl from Utah County should ever love rap music. I want to think it's always been apart of me. I got my sense of rhythm from my dad at an early age and ever since I can remember I've always had a thing for a dope na$$$ty BEAT. However, I fought those natural gangster feelings, because as a young innocent child, I was conditioned to believe rap music was of the devil.

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THE GREATEST SPRING BREAK EVER PART 2

I like my fair share of adventuring, exploring, making a fool of myself, but all of that is pretty exhausting. And Zach is constantly on the go. When we first met, I asked him if he was religious, and he said that his religion was "Fun." He seriously does. not. stop. Most of his favorite activities involve something dangerous that will most likely land one of us in the hospital. Dating someone like this is thrilling, it's exciting, it's refreshing. But all of that means nothing to me if you can't appreciate a good nap.

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